I feel unused.

I feel in the moment.

I feel undiscovered.

I feel like I am waiting for something that may or may not come.

I feel like I need direction and there is no one to tell me what to do.

I feel like the bills are piling up and the responsibilities are heavy yet suddenly there is no goal to accomplish.

I just am.

I wonder when the person that I am will suddenly change from constantly seeking the future to constantly looking back? In other words, I wonder when adults stop thinking about what they will be and start thinking about what they were. I wonder when the “I am” will reach the top of the mountain and i will sink into the normalcy of reflection on the things that I have done.

Do you think there is a top? or is that just a silly dream too? Are we built to constantly seek a new end?

I want to do this. I know its copying but I think that memories are important. And I agree with this guy: I dont want to forget.

I’ve heard several artists explain on stage that the guitar is their safe place. It is their safety net. It takes a lot of confidence to stand up on stage. Period. There is something more to singing without something in front of you. It feels so vulnerable. So exposed. Ift feels like there is just too much of you out there. revieled for judgement. Sure, I sing, but I’m first a guitar player. If I’m bad, I blame my guitar. Or I can hide. Plus I can do what ever i want. I’m indepentdent. I like being on my own. I like being in control. Without a guitar I am dependent on someone else. Dependent on the creativity and the ability of another person. And that scares me.

Here in lies my problem. I am desperately singular. Something that I learned from my father I suppose. It is hard for me to ask for help. It is hard for me to go with the flow. I make my own flow. But I need to learn to trust. I need to learn how to follow because my leadership is useless without a strong example.

I need to be bold enough to sing without a guitar.

case study material

Then I want to stop.

I want to just be.

I want to fade in the background of the picture.

But now I’m back!

While I was out of focus a lot has happened.

1) A new semester has started. I’m taking more ridiculous classes. (Islam and Christianity in sub saharan Africa, Holocaust History and Islam in the Modern World). If you have any questions about Islam just let me know and I will assist you in Wikipedia-ing it. :)

2) I got a new job at the Apple store. I fix broke iPhones and I teach peeps how to do magical and revolutionary things with their Mickity Macs. It’s a pretty good gig.

3) Speaking of iPhones, I got me one. Which if you know me at all you know that I am obsessed with it. But I think for your purposes, dear reader, that means that I have also purchased my first camera. So digital picture media will now be a part of my blog.

Here is me and my beloved. Her name is Molly.

4) My friends and I have formed a little band here in Ral-town called the TinCan Sailors. We’ve played a few shows. It’s been fun. We’ve got a practice space now so we will be working on stuff to record by the end of the year.  I’m pretty excited about it.

5) I have a new apartment with a new rooms who is fantastic. Seriously this is the trendiest place a college kid could ask for.

This is where I get to sleep.

There are lots of other things too. But those are the highlights for right now.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while. This Sara Bareilles video expresses what I hope you feel about my blog.

“Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.”

:) See you soon.

Laz

I met my mom for coffee yesterday at Café Helios. She was getting her hair re-colored at a hair cutting place on glenwood south. The first things she said as she blustered in to the shop with her freshly colored hair blowing in the warm spring wind was, “Gosh you look tired. Look at the bags under your eyes!”

Now granted I was a little annoyed that she was a little bit late and I was worried that I would be late for work that afternoon butttt…… she had a point.

She reminded me of this story as we sat down.

When I was younger I used to get crazy stressed out. If I had anything due, instead of doing it I would cry in front of the computer. I would scream that the world was falling apart and I would fail at life and that I would explode from the pressures of my tiny pre-middle school life.

Mom was patient enough to talk me through those moments. I remember her sitting with me, reminding me that the report on ant colonies was not life threatening. I remember her slipping in when I was freaking out in my bed at night, unable to sleep and just sitting with me.

I handle stress much better now. It’s nice to remember though. I find comfort in the contrast. The measurable progress of growing up.

So for all of you that are under a weight right now, find comfort that you are growing up every second. That the stress you are feeling now is a lesson for the future.

love you

now back to my paper on language interaction in South Africa.

cLAZ

This is what I did today.

I woke up late. Hit the snooze 3 times.

I went to Spanish class. Soy terrible en Español.

I got coffee at Global. My favorite coffee shop.

I met Maggie in the Gardner Arboretum. This is Maggie.

I bought some sunglasses. These sunglasses. Then I ate lunch with Matt. This is Matt’s music.

I meandered in to the brickyard. It’s Agg week so there are cows and chickens wandering around. GO STATE!

I rode my silver bike home.

I wrote two new songs.

I took Turner on a walk.

Now I’m going to work.

Good bye sunshine. See you tomorrow.

Laz

I discovered Anis Mojgani approximately 24 hours ago and it seems like I have spent those 24 hours steadily youtubing this man’s poetry. It is so good.

This is a performance of his poem Shake the Dust that he did at TWLOHA’s Heavy and Light event this year. You can buy his book of poetry at writebloody.com.

So worth it.

Oh and check out TWLOHA’s Site if you don’t know what it is.

This is my Sunday schedule:

This morning I woke up early and took our crazy dog out for a walk.

This is Turner.We were fighting that day because he didn’t want to take a picture.

We didn’t go on a long walk. Just around the block once but it was nice because it was just enough time for me to listen to a sermon that my pastor did a couple of sundays ago that I missed. After the walk I got my stuff together and drove my car to cup of joe to finish planning for tonight’s service at Highland United and start studying for my big Russian History test on Wednesday. Then later I’m going to eat at the church and play some music for the kiddos. Pretty amazing stuff. Today we are doing

Marvelous light by Charlie Hall

Walk By Faith by Jeremy Camp

From the Inside Out by Hillsong

I’m really excited about this Sunday.

I hope you are too

Love

Laz

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about I would like to direct you to the date attached to the post right below this one.

Hmmm December 13.

“Well, Lazattack, that was quite a long time ago. Where’ve you been? Do you hate us? Why haven’t you been filling up that void in my life that is reserved to mindless rants in blog form? Huh? What do you have to say for yourself mister? I’m angry. GRRRRRRR,” says the patent reader who has been checking my blog everyday for two months desperately waiting for that next post.

To you, dear reader, all I can say is that a conversation turned me off temporarily to the art of spilling my thoughts all over world wide web. Just a conversation. It has taken me a couple of months to really process it all and figure stuff out.

But I think I’m done. Processing, that is. I still have no answers but taking some time off has helped me reset things in a way.

Here is the story:

So as many of you know I strive to live my life as an open book. I really try and spill all the beans out on the table. That way there are a lot of people that can help me separate the bad beans from the good ones. And a lot of people do help me. I really like having no secrets. It makes life really honest.

When I went home for Christmas, my beautiful mother asked me if we could talk. Oh no. What did I do? The ambiguity was killing me.

She sat me down that night and told me that she had been reading this here blog. She had been reading the blog that I set up to encourage people and she got really sad.

Sad? Well that’s not what I was going for really. Did you read the one about me loving to do the dishes Mom? Don’t you want to ask me to do the dishes?

She started to tear up. She said that she felt bad that I was still going through so much hard ache over my parent’s split. She said that she was sorry and that there was no way that she could ever make it up to me.

Whoa.

Wait.

What are we talking about? My blog?

As I quickly thought through the things that I wrote though, the things that I’ve broadcasted all over the world for all 10 of you readers, I realized that from my mother’s perspective, from my families perspective, the things I’ve written did not build them up. Instead, reading that my true family was found in my friends and how strange it feels to go home was flat out hurtful.

Perspective. That is what this is about. From my end, I was writing a dramatic representation of passing thoughts. From her perspective it was something so different. It was proof.  Proof that what happened 4 years ago killed something inside of someone that she loved more than anything else in the world.

Well that’s not what I wanted to do.

So this is what I have learned from that teary eyed convo. I learned that I am selfish. That if I’m not careful, this blog, or any of my social networking shenanigans, could very quickly turn into something conceited and inconsiderate. And, more than anything, I realized the power of the tongue. It really is mightier than the sword. That little phrase never really made since to me until that very moment.

I never meant to hurt anyone with these posts. In fact I meant the opposite. However I fail miserably sometimes. And I need to be re-reminded of Ephesians 4:29 that says

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

My challenge to you has always been this: Be as honest as possible. However I wish to amend that by adding “But think before you speak.” If you really want to be a leader then you need to think about who is following you. You need to think about the footprints that you are leaving behind. I agree that you will inevitable step on a few toes but tearing someone down should never be in the cards.

So I wish to say Sorrys that I’m dumb. And thank you for your grace.

I would like to end this post with a few pics. Considering all this talk of Momma Laz and Christmas, I would like to include this series of photo booth pics taken while I was at home over the break.

Now you know where I get it. :)

Lazattack

Spending time with friends. Singing around a blazing fire that cuts the chill from the night. One guitar and twenty voices.

That’s christmas for me.

This season I am praying for peace. Not world peace or whatever. I mean that would be nice but we all know that I’m more selfish than that. :) I’m praying for peace in my heart. To be more intentional. To be more real and honest with myself. To get over this prideful idea that I can do anything by myself, better than anyone else, without any help. This semester is the most scattered I’ve felt in a long time. A controlled scatter yet still a bit stressful.

This is my plan for the next one.

I’m going to ask more questions. I’m going to stop talking about myself, about all the things that I can do. I’m going to give up some time that I have devoted every morning to finding the most random things on the internet and put it toward spending time with my savior. The incarnate one.

So drink some EggNog. Sing some Christmas Hymns. Find a family that will greet you with the biggest hug you can find. And settle down.

Settle your heart. Settle it on the one thing that matters. On love.

{Philippians 1:15-16} Preach the good news because you have love. Not for selfish reasons. Not because it makes you look a certain way. Not because you like people to look at you with accepting eyes.

Not because of what I can do.

But because of the love that Christ has injected into undeservingly.

My plan is to live like this. From now on.

Hold me to it my friends.

What are your goals for the season?

Be loved

Chris

These question has just been on my heart lately. I am the first to say that my life is an open book. There is nothing that I won’t tell you. I love being honest and the feeling you get when you sit beside someone and you know that there is nothing in your heart that that person doesn’t know. Honesty breeds security. Without it, we turn into a jealous mess. At least I do.

But even for me, someone who claims that the binding of his story is creased open, I’m not going to tell you something if you don’t ask. If you don’t ask me, why should I trust you? How do I know you have time to listen?

We all have secrets. But I think that every person, if you dig down, wants someone else to know. So they can sit in silence and enjoy honesty. Pure, unfiltered, perhaps offensive honesty.

Enjoy the video.

chris